I was just sitting here on my bed, in my tattered pajam pants. It’s 7:43 pm and I have no where in particular to be, and nothing in particular to do. Nothing beats that sometimes. I am sure there are a lot of things I could be doing way more important than hanging out here in my apartment, or things I could be accomplishing —- that weighs on my mind a lot of the time. But, I am getting my shit together. I have been getting my collective shit together, I have made “financial plans”, I have started online banking. ALL the stuff I should have done since forever ago, I am sorting it out. I feel like a lot of weight is lifted off my shoulders. I don’t have any ridiculous over dramatics as a part of my life anymore. I don’t have a crazy person punching holes in my wall and yelling at me down on the street with filthy names and humiliating slander. I don’t have much, if any, personal conflict at all. I don’t know when everything got levelled out but my once hectic life has found it’s equilibrium. I have cut out the crazy, but I’m sure I used to crave that crazy —- but i am a lot happier without it. I am sitting here; I’m not doing anything special but my mind doesn’t feel heavy. I don’t feel as pulled down to the ground as I did. I don’t feel as hopeless anymore, because I’m not really. I am actually doing alright, and I have awesome friends, and a sweet apartment, and a wonderful family and blah blah blah. I’m pretty happy. I don’t have everything figured out —- who does? I don’t know if we are ever supposed to really figure this whole thing out, it’s too complicated for us to grasp. I don’t know when I will be entirely dependant and ecstatic with who I am or if it will happen, but I want it to. I am excited for my life and the road ahead of me and I didn’t notice i felt that way until right now. I am not doing anything special. I am not doing anything period. I am watching ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT again and having a cocktail in bed with my laptop, but I am in a great mood. I am in a great mood for no good reason. I didn’t get anything, nothing amazing has happened, I’m just great with how things are right now. That’s a first.
